That was probably the first time and I'm sure you were hoping the last time, that I have mentioned the topic of Poo.. Lets face it, unless its coming from the diaper of your OWN child, people don't want to deal with it.
Poo isn't a lady like topic, it isn't something that people like to discuss. You don't get together with your friends and talk about how you did the best poo ever last night, a poo so amazing that you didn't even have to wipe… (they do exist…)
However I think I must have been in the toilet doing a poo when the conversation about ettiquite and things you should and shouldn't discuss was had… cause I really missed the memo big time. I'm the type of person that will happily talk about all types of random sh*t (pardon the pun) and I am lucky that I have some amazing friends in my life, who are happy to partake in these conversations with me..
In my list of 100 things I have learnt about being Fructose Free, I mentioned 1 - you will poo and 2 - you will poo a lot… Like a lot more than you ever have in your life (unless you have some irritable bowl syndrome thing going on).
When I first started this journey, I was prepared for the headaches, the tiredness, the detox shakes, the cravings, the moodswings… what I wasn't prepared for, was to be in the middle of shopping at woolies and all of sudden get the sensation that I needed to go to the toilet and fast…. (true story, this story also involves me only just making it to the toilet in time and smacking my head on the toilet roll holder, as I frantically bent down to try and pull off my jeans and nearly knocked myself out. I loved explaining to people how I had the egg/bruise on my head that week…)
The crazy poos don't happen straight away, they usually take about 6-9 weeks to really kick in and I think it has something to do with adding Rice Malt Syrup and Dextrose into your diet. The only reason I think this is connected, is because I read a study that looked at people who had given up fructose and swapped it for Rice Malt Syrup, Dextose and chemical sweeteners. It said that if you have heavily reduced or even quit fructose/table sugars then your body may not absorb some foods that are high in RMS and Dextrose due to it rejecting them or not recognising them. Out of the 60 people who were attempting to quit sugar, all of them had an increase in bowl movement (this could be due to more fibre, vegetables, water etc) but over half of them had instances where they experienced stomach cramps and the need to get to a toilet quickly when upping the amount of RMS and Dextrose in their diet. This is the poo i'm referring too. The poo that strikes fast and hard… Being fructose free means you will find yourself "regular" the good type of regular.. But it also means you will be subject to the "holy shit" poos.
So there you go! You can thank me later when you decide to go on a car trip and are 40 minutes away from the nearest servo and decide to eat a mountain load of coconut crack and then the need strikes… I will say no more!!
Im going to leave you with a review I found on Amazon regarding a sugar free lolly….
47,897 of 48,758 people found the following review helpful
1Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate.
ByChristine E. Torokon October 3, 2012
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.