Lets start at the beginning.
This morning we awoke to the news that Touch Football had been cancelled due to the rain! This meant a delicious cooked breakfast of Fructose Free french toast and extra morning cuddles.
The 7 year old was delirious with excitement that he didnt actually have to go to touch. Apparently when your child is begging you to let them join a sport, the moment the transaction goes through, they decide they no longer want to play that sport and that YOU are ruining their life for making them fulfil their commitment and play. How selfish of me really!!
The 7 year old asked if he could do some jobs that would add up to $8, so he could get a new book. I gave him about an hours worth of jobs and for the first time in his life, he didn't complain once about having to clean up his own stuff ( so valiant of him). After he had finished, he asked if we could go to the shops. I agreed because I had to get a couple of things at the shops but told him we only had an hour, as it was the 1 year olds sleep time soon and she was a ticking bomb of tantrums waiting to go off.
We arrived at the shops and of course the book he wanted was not at K-mart, it was in Big W at the opposite end of the shopping complex. In the 5 minutes we had been at K-mart, the 1 year old had already thrown her first tantrum because I was being a bit$h of a mother by not letting her get a Salt and Pepper Shaker. Eventually after taking her mind off her beloved Salt and Pepper Shakers by letting her scan a book, we were able to begin the daunting task of getting to Big W. Why daunting?? Because we have to pass by 3 of those bloody $2 merry go round things that turn my beautiful daughter into a satanic screaming demon, who demands to ride her chariot and refuses to get out.
We made it by the first 2 by covering her eyes and manoeuvring the trolley like some rally car driver.. Unfortunately she spotted the last one and started squealing like a baby piglet. We just pushed through and eventually made it to Big W. I had to whip out the emergency food container to keep the 1 year old occupied as she was rubbing her eyes and was clearly over the whole shopping expedition.
The 7 year old took 30min to decide on a book. 30 bloody minutes that I will never get back EVER!! 30min to end up choosing the book he originally came for,but just to make sure this was the best choice, he had to look at every book on the shelf. The 1 year old had finished her snacks in half that time and was itching to get out of the trolley. I was basically doing cartwheels up the isles to keep her occupied, but she was over it. I had no other choice but to let her out of the trolley so she could walk with us.
You see the problem with letting her out of the trolley is that she is little Miss Independent. She doesn't need to hold anyones hand, she often feels the need to push the trolley herself and if she sees you even touch it, look out!! She likes to touch everything, she takes forever to get anywhere because like her brother, she loves browsing all the stock on the shelf.
We still had to duck into woolies and I told the 7 year old that we needed to work together to herd the rampaging one year old in the right direction. Eventually we got to the register and I told the 7 year old to watch his sister whilst I put the groceries on the counter.
Unfortunately 4 months of being denied anything sweet had taken its toll on the 1 year old. Whilst I was stacking the groceries, the 1 year old launched an attack on the confectionary. Skillfully she ravaged the top off 7 kinder surprises (wrapper and all) discarding their limp bodies onto the floor. She then spied the smarties and the poor things never stood a chance.
As I put the last item on the counter, I turned around to see the 7 year old reading his book and the 1 year old with chocolate all over her face, sucking back on a box of smarties. I was literally in shock. "What the hell are you doing!!" I whispered angrily!!! The 7 year old thought I was talking to him and shit himself for not watching his sister. It took him a second to realise what he was witnessing!! "Oh my god!! She is stealing!!! She is stealing chocolate!" I told him to "Shhhhhh!" but unfortunately all those talks about shoplifting and NOT being allowed to eat anything (not even a grape) until we had paid for it, were coming back to bite me on the ass!" He then yelled out "Quick give the lady the money before the police come!!" He bravely attempted to pull the smarties out of her hand, to stop her ending up in police custody just as she was mid pour of smarties into her mouth.. BAD IDEA!! Holy mother of melt down screams!!'.
The whole time the checkout lady was laughing! She was like "seriously, you are not the first nor the last. Don't stress its all good. " The 7 year old asked her if the police were going to come, he was genuinely concerned and worried. The lady reassured him that it was ok, because we were going to pay for it.
To diffuse the situation and stop the 1 year old screaming, I had to allow the little shoplifter to continue eating her smarties and take the remains of 7 kinder suprises up to the counter along with the 1 chewed up box of smarties that she never got into. I picked up the now happy little chocolate covered turd of a child to put her in the trolley ,only to find a kit kat inside her jumper (she must have been saving that for later)
As I paid for the 1 year olds chocolate haul, I told the lady that we won't be needing them (much to the dismay of the 7 year old) and tried to make light of the situation by asking her what isle I could find some Holy Water and a crucifix in to perform an exorcism on my child later.. She didn't get it… awkward.
We still had to do the long walk back to the opposite end of the shopping centre to get to our car. The one year old was covered in chocolate and looked like a feral. It was all over her beautiful outfit, in her hair, on her face and hands. I didn't realise until we got home, that I was also covered in chocolate, all over my neck and the shoulders of my shirt.
However, thats not the end of the story. Because the 1 year old won't ever sit in the front of the trolley, we always put her in the main part and pack a cushion for her to sit on. She was going mental!! She was jumping up and down on the cushion laughing and going crazy. I'm assuming from her big hit of sugar".. I kept telling her to sit down and stop being naughty, but she was in total beast mode. She then pulled off her nappy (she was wearing a skirt) and threw it out of the trolley! The 7 year old thought this was the best thing he had ever seen in his life. I was just thanking the heavens it was only a wet nappy and not a shitty one!!
We eventually made it to the car and as I lifted her out of the trolley to put her into her carseat, about 5 smarties fell out of her clothes and onto the floor of the car which she insisted on eating.
The whole time, I'm just thinking "What the hell have I created".
I always knew that something like this would happen but not at the shops and not accompanied by a missile nappy.
As I write this she is now asleep, probably in a sugar coma, dreaming of her next trip to the grocery store.
Nice marketing from Woolies though. The 1 year old is a tiny. The fact you put confectionary at that level, in front of your checkouts is obviously to attract the little ones sitting in prams or walking with their mums. A$$holes!!
On another note I have added some new recipes
Not Fried Rice
I made this last week and have found myself making it two more times. I ended up freezing a batch because I found it perfect to take to work as a lunch. It defrosts and tastes just as good as it did when it was freshly made.
I also made a Crustless Quinoa Pie last week. This occurred when I didnt have the ingredients for an original recipe I had made before, so I just took bits and pieces of two recipes and the end result was really good.
I am not the biggest fan of cooking with Quinoa, but the cheese turned this into something even the kids were raving about.
The 7 year old has asked if we can make this recipe tonight: Chocolate Peanut Butter Mug Cake. I am going to substitute the sugars and artificial sweeteners for dextrose.
The 1 year old will not be partaking in this dessert as she is now banned from anything sweet until she is 60…
Happy Saturday xxi