So I’m writing tonight not because I want you to LIKE my Facebook page but because I have had to change my bloody Facebook page name.
Why? So glad you asked?
It’s a problem that I’m sure every single one of you has had to experience at one time or another. You know, casually having your face book page mistaken for a hook up site for African men looking for a sugar mumma??
You haven’t?? That’s awkward then....
You see my Facebook page was called Sugar Free The Big Mum. Which to most seems pretty straight forward but apparently it can also be read as “Sugar Mumma”. Which is a person who willingly takes financial care of a young gentleman and gets god knows what in return. However judging by some of their personal messages to me, I’m guessing probably an STD.
In my absence from Facebook for over a year I didn’t expect any people to really go to my Facebook page once they could see nothing was being posted and the website not being updated. But instead of losing followers I gained like a thousand, actually more then a thousand, I think it came close to two thousand. My loyal Nigerian princes didn’t care if I wasn’t posting sugar free recipes and telling stories about my kids being a-holes, nope they were messaging me at all hours of the day and night checking in to see if I had a Sugar Mumma for them. I just ignored their posts because I assumed that saying nothing at all was the best approach but holy shit they are persistent little bastards.
It got to the point where it truely looked to my husband that I was having an affair. Yep, with not one but at least 900 Nigerian males.
“ Who is sending you a message at 1am”
“Oh that’s just Samuel Tigerthorn the third babe, he is just writing to say Hi and that he needs me to send him a Sugar Mumma stat and something about a big eggplant”.
"A eggplant oh and a peach, all good babe, go back to sleep".
To be honest, I just turned off the notifications and when I occasionally checked there was always more there. I was barely giving a flying duck about real stuff going on in my life, so this was just something that barely stayed on my radar. With the constant bombardment of messages, I would read one here and there and I actually felt sorry for some of them.. well the ones who weren’t sending me their modelling portfolios of there nether regions.
I just let it go. What’s the worst that could happen?
Fast forward nearly two years later and me waking up one morning and going, you know what, I want to start writing again. Only to see my site is now linked to porn looking sites and sugar mumma everything. Those dirty little bastards had got me good!!! At the end of the day it doesn't really matter who is on my page but when it is getting promoted next to "Hot and Naked Sugar Mummas" (no joke). It was creeping me out.
So tonight I’m going on a massive cull which will prolly bring my audience down to just my mum ( hi mum) but I can live with this because writing gives me an escape. I just don't want to escape into the world of pornstars and naked mums...
So here is my final farewell to my Nigerian Princes
An ode to all my Nigerian Princes
Sadly our time together must come to an end.
I will miss the way you message me at all hours of the night ( prolly because of our time zone difference) and the photos you send that are meant to convince a grown woman to send you all her money.
I will miss the way you like all of my recipes and then reply with “ hook me up with sugar” even though the recipe contains no sugar.
I will miss the way it can sometimes take me an hour to decipher what your message means because it’s all random emojis that obviously mean you love eggplant 🍆 and peaches 🍑
I will miss the way you continue to like my photos that are of food and inspirational quotes and still manage to think the page you are visiting is about rich women who want to take care of men like yourself. I feel you are not very good at connecting the dots
I will miss the way you make my page now be related to ‘big rich b%^ches’ and my now favourite ‘big lesbian sugar mummas’. My mind is literally blown with how???
I am sorry but the time has come to delete you from my page, let you free into the world where you may find a real sugar mumma and not a sugar free family page... unless you were wanting me to adopt you as our 4th child but I don’t think the husband would agree to that and I think you would eat to much, especially with your love of eggplant 🍆
I want you to know it’s not you, it’s me.
It’s always been me. I can’t give you what you want. I must let you go.
Until we meet again my sweet sweet princes. It is goodbye.