Now my mum, bless her soul, is one of those mums who has tried really hard to master technology, especially social media. However she has more fails in this area then successes and it is always brings my brother and I great enjoyment.
Due to the way she scrolls down her newsfeed on Facebook, she will often like random things or friend request people by accident.
I remember one morning I woke up to see that mum was apparently attending a rave on the Gold Coast and nek minute she was now Facebook friends with a guy that looked like he was in some type of prison gang.
She has no idea how she does this, but frequently we will ring her up and go, “Do you know you just liked a page about some sex cult” or “Why is your friends list now half African American Males (we suspect this might be some type of fetish) and she always goes into absolute panic because she has no idea how the bloody hell she did it.
Her Facebook status is usually something like this : asdkj2;l3
So I often forget that she is able to read my blog, because according to Facebook, she is too busy attending Full Moon Parties in Bali.
Last night, I went over to her house and she told me that she read my latest blog entry and that she felt really sad. She felt sad that I struggled so much with my weight and she feels bad for this.
You see the thing is, when I write an entry, its like ok, I can put this out there, but I don’t WANT to explain myself to anyone. Which is why I can be quite honest. When confronted with what I have written, I feel embarrassed and as though I shouldn’t be putting these things out there. However where is the truth in that.
I know I’m not alone, I know people have the same struggles and I know that worrying about my weight is extremely petty in the larger scheme of things, when there are so many things in the world that people have to deal with.
I love that fact that my mum cares for me and that reading my blog made her feel sad. I can relate to this fully. As a mother myself, I know that whatever your kids feel, will come back and hit you straight in the heart.
So I want to write this to my Mum.
Thank you for letting me be that chubby little girl with the smile that went right up to her eyes.
Growing up you placed absolutely no emphasis on weight. Never did you make me feel that I was nothing more then beautiful.
Thank you for letting me wear your clothes to my 10th birthday party because I couldn’t find a dress in my size. I thought I looked so stunning that night.
Thank you for encouraging me to be free spirited, funny and full of laughter. I have made so many friends because of this. Friends that love me for me and not the weight I am currently sitting at.
Without a doubt, you gave me the best opportunity to be the person I was meant to be, a person not defined by societies expectations.
I always thought I was beautiful and perfect as a child. When I looked in the mirror I saw nothing but a happy girl looking back at me, double chins and all.
When I reached high school I realised that being cool and popular unfortunately was connected to a number on the scale. I remember coming home one day and saying “Why did you let me get fat” and you said “ You have always been happy. Why would I jeopardise your happiness and your self esteem.” You then told me you thought I was perfect.At the time I didn’t understand and thought you should be handed over to the child abuse agencies.
Boys, discos and puppy love soon followed and I started cross country training. Soon I was a mere skeleton of the girl I once was. I was happy, but it was exhausting trying to keep such a figure. I remember when a boy at school was trying to pick a fight with me, after I used my awesome wit to destroy him in front of his friends for making fun of another student and he yelled “whatever anorexic” and I thought that was a compliment.
Through it all, you always made sure I was happy and would ask me this constantly. Im sure you wanted to tell me to eat some bloody food, but you didn’t want to put that pressure on me. My happiness meant more to you then my weight.
As an adult I have made so many friends based on the true me. The me that was allowed to grow in my younger years because I was so carefree.
I love my life, I love my family and I love you for bringing me up so that I would think nothing less.
My battle with my weight is something that I am happy to carry. It motivates me, it gives me clarity and it makes me want to be the best I can be for my kids, my husband and to get fit enough so I can wheel your big ass around when you get old.
Don’t feel sad for me mum, feel thankful that you raised a daughter who can admit her faults and work bloody hard to make them successes.
I love you
*** The funny thing is, there is a huge chance that she will never read this, because no doubt instead of clicking on my blog link, she will end up clicking that she is attending the next Donald Trump march.
Happy Monday everyone! I have the day off and I intend to spend every second of it playing with the 2 year old.