What a lovely, romantic way to start a blog entry. It really makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Today I had the honour of wasting a good 30 minutes of my time fighting on the internet with some random who just happened to push the right button of a mum who didn't sleep much last night. I haven’t had a good fructose free argument in quite some time, so it was just the thing I needed to really make my Sunday something special.
It all started when I offered to help a reader of my blog with her families meal planning. She had written to me saying that she just can’t get her head around the whole thing and could I possibly be able to create a little somethin somethin with her families diet requirements (one of her kids had allergies). I had no problem doing this at all.
Things were good for the first 3 weeks until her husband started sending me messages (and no this story doesn’t go in that direction, get your mind out of the gutter).
At first he used lots of smiling face emojis and was thankful that his wife was making a change, as he was really worried that she was endangering her health as she was (his word) “waddling” when she walked. Random image now in my head, but thank you for that piece of information about your wife.
Then the smile emojis started turning into angry/frustrated face emojis because his wife was being a cow to him (his words) whilst detoxing and he thinks that I should have slowly weened her off sugar instead of going the full hog.
I told him, this is something he needs to talk to his wife about and my meal plan is just that, a plan to follow. I told him with all plans, changes can and will be made to accomodate the needs of the person putting them into action.
At the end of the first month she had lost 3.6kg and she said she was feeling AMAZING and everyone was commenting on her weight loss. However, her husband was absolutely hating the meals and was totally against it. She then said he was making things really hard because he was just eating whatever he wanted and buying the family meals even when she had already cooked.
Unfortunately I am not Jerry Springer nor am I Dr Phil and there was no way in hell I was getting involved in that sh*t. I just told her to do what is best for her and the family and I will send out 12 weeks of meal plans and then she is on her own.
Another 4 weeks passed and we were just shy of the 2 and a half month mark when I got another message from her husband, this time with the poo emoji (sh*t was getting really literally). I was also very concerned that a male adult was going so hard on the emojis but hey you go guuuurl!
This time the message was basically that I was brainwashing his wife and that he had done some research and the whole fructose free thing was absolute rubbish and the body needs all the things she was going without. That she had lost nearly 10kg and that much weight in a short amount of time was unhealthy and not sustainable and I needed to stop sending through any more information, as they both did not care for it.
I just wrote back that once again this is something to be discussed with his wife, I’m just sending her a meal plan that she requested.
Then last night I saw on my website page all these messages saying things like
“you are fat”
“obviously giving up sugar has the side affect of ugliness”
“gross look at your stretch marks”
“far out you are fat”
"who would want to marry a ugly fat mole like you"
and it literally went like this on every entry for the last month or two.
They were all from different user names, as if to suggest that in the space of 1 hour 40 different people had decided that on a Saturday night, the best thing they could do is go spread their douchness on a website page. I mean that is my idea of a good Saturday night but unfortunately being an absolute piece of hyena sh*t seems to have been pushed back since having kids.
The funny thing was that even though all the messages were from “Patrick, Shane, Carl, Bill, Steve and some other members of the Village People, they were all from the same URL address. The same URL address that had posted a message 3 months ago saying thanks for the awesome Nacho recipe… Old poo emoji boy strikes again but under the disguise of no emojis…
I was thinking about just letting it go, but unfortunately the 2 year old has ruined the concept of “let it go” by making me listen to Frozen on repeat for a good 5 month period. Letting it Go was not an option, just as watching Frozen for the 2 year old was not an option as the disc met a tragic accident. Yes, it seemed as though the dog somehow got his paws onto it and it was scratched to oblivion (RIP Frozen dvd) (and no mum if you are reading this, this is not a good idea for a christmas present for the 2 year old)
So I sent old man emoji a message this morning saying could he please pass on to Patty, Shaneo, Carl-mister-general, Billy Boy and my man Steve that their messages made my day, as it boosted my stats on my weebly account and nothing says traffic to your account like repeated messages.
At first there was denial, then there was anger, then there was remorse and then there was this:
“ I hope your children get cancer”
OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!
ITS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG YOU EMOJI MOTHER .......
You see I avoid confrontation by playing to the humour side of things. I will call you out if you do the wrong thing but in a way that usually allows all people to walk away with no hard feelings. However when you bring my children into it, I become a mixture of the God Father, Connor McGregor mixed with a droplet of Samuel L Jackson. My vocabulary would make Gordan Ramsay blush.
I saw red!! 30 minutes I wasted on this pathetic excuse for a human. The funny thing is, that it turns out his actual problem with me was that his wife losing weight had lead to her getting attention from other males and I was a home wrecker for assisting her to lose weight.
In the end I handed the laptop to the 2 year old and told her to type away to her hearts content. She really put him in his place with a mixture of letter H’s and dramatic space bar spaces to really hit him where it hurts.
After sitting back with the kids and enjoying an afternoon swim, I had time to think about what the hell just happened and for some reason it made me laugh. So I thought I would share it on my blog. Ahh, the good old days where I became a keyboard warrior and also part Kanye West “imma let you finish but “. I don’t even know why I even bothered to reply to the original messages. Lets blame hormones for this one.
I hope your week is amazing!!