I went away for State Cup for Oztag
I attended the funeral of a beautiful friend
I organised a swimming carnival and a cross country
The 2 year old got christened
All the extended family came to stay
The 2 year old got sick
I lost my typing mojo
I ate some sugar….
Easter got me real good.
So the last 3 weeks have pretty much been hectic as fruc and I have honestly felt extremely overwhelmed and stressed, but here I am. I did lose my fructose free mojo for the last month, especially with that bastard Easter Bunny getting all up in my face at every shop I went to. I mean it is a known fact that Easter chocolate is a thousand times better than normal chocolate. You can't fight that knowledge. I also consumed a lot of alcohol during this period but I think its what the Easter Bunny would have wanted. It just happened. I really had no choice.
Reasons to drink 101:
Away with the team for state cup - played some great games of oztag - that deserves a beverage
Attended the funeral of someone so full of life and love - cheers to such a beautiful soul - that deserves a beverage
Organising two carnivals in 3 weeks - holy mother of paper work - that deserves a carton
2 year old getting christened - family and friends here to celebrate - that deserves top shelf beverages (no home brand ginger ale here people)
Extended family arrive - inlaws - drinks are on me
2 year old gets sick - vomiting exorcist baby is back - where is the scotch? - that deserves a red bull mix
Dont feel like typing on the computer - can stalk people on Facebook - I'm thirsty - just one beverage
I ate sugar - great i ruined my hard work - wheres my CC and Dry
Easter - Family - friends - holidays - balcony - deck drinks - pool drinks - husband and wife drinks - the kids are busy playing together nicely - holy shite that means shots…
And before you start calling child services thinking that my two children are being endangered by a drunk who pretty much would drink because its a day of the week ending in "y". On all of those occasions I would have had two/three drinks max!! All spaced out. You see I have learnt (the hard way) that a hangover with kids is not worth all the gold in the world. Especially when the odds are that one of them will require you to get up in the middle of the night to fight off some red eyed demon reindeer that is staring at them through their window. Or that they will require a 6 course buffet breakfast knowing that you can barely reach your hand up to find your water bottle that you placed next to your bed, that you spent your whole night dreaming about drinking, yet they want you to pull some Gordam Ramsay sh**t and start flipping those pancakes like you were born doing it.
Totally not worth it. I also never got to enjoy any of those beverages in one sitting because its like the kids have super hearing and can hear the crack of the can and all of a sudden they needed me in their life stat.
I will be the first to say that I know 100 percent that none of those drinks were worth the sugar/fructose but sometimes just sometimes, we got to have a little break to realise there is no benefits to bloody sugar.
I will put it out there and say that I feel like a frumpy bloated piglet. Not one of those drinks was worth how I'm feeling now. 3 weeks of fructose here and there got me feeling like a baby jabba the hut and my pants feeling a little snug. Nothing like sitting down and thinking you have just been target by a rogue sniper and have been shot in the stomach, only to find its the button of your pants digging into your guts as if to say "and you thought I wouldn't notice didn't you".
This has led to the last 3 days being strict on myself. No drinks (do I get my AA badge yet?) and have kept to my guidelines of only having 4/5 teaspoons of fructose a day that must come from fruit or natural foods.
I would love to say things are back to being easy but unfortunately I am craving kinder surprise eggs… The 2 year old may have been doing some type of ancient voodoo hypnotising spell and whispering these ideas into my subconscious when I was asleep, because the last time I checked, she was the one who was throwing tantrums in the isles at Woolworths over a Kinder Surprise Egg… me not so much.
I will stay strong. I'm not feeling comfortable in my skin at the moment, so that is motivation enough, not to mention the double chin that popped up in some of the christening photos (such a assh*le chin)
Last week I had a moment that shocked myself and released a demon from inside me. All over chocolate. I had just been to a funeral and was feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and was at breaking point. I picked up the two year old from home, so the husband could go do some jobs and decided to go get some things from the shops.
I still hadn't done my Easter Egg shopping for the kids and had been beating myself up on how I was going to go about it this year. The 7 year old was adamant that he would get some chocolate eggs because it isn't Easter unless chocolate eggs were involved. He lectured me about how the Easter Bunny has one job to do every year and it would be so sad for the Easter Bunny (not him) if he got to our house and saw that we couldn't have sugar. I tried to convince the 7 year old that we should maybe ask the Easter bunny for some books or other cool stuff. He agreed which was a relief but then added yeh books and chocolate eggs would be good. I will ask him for that….
I looked up sugar free alternative chocolate but realised that I was basically going to be giving my children laxatives. Here kids, the Easter Bunny left you a little present that is going to have you shitting through the eye of a needle in t-minus 1 hour, not to mention the stomach cramps and gas!! The realisation that my kids would basically turn into my husband on a normal day, led me to Target and in the Egg Isle reading the back of all chocolates. Obviously they were laden with sugar, but I thought maybe I could get one that looks big and the 7 year old will take a couple of bites and then we can donate it to the bin gods.
I was literally staring at the back of the same packet for a good 5 minutes in some sort of zombie trance, when this gentleman walks over and says right in my ear "yes it will make you fat, yes it has calories, its chocolate, put it in the trolley or move on". It was probably the emotions from the funeral, the tiredness, the fight in my head about do I or don't I get the eggs, but I did something completely out of character for me. I didn't even look up from my chocolate reading and hissed in a voice that would crack glass "seriously just f-off". When I looked up, I realised the gentleman that said it, was like a cute grampa and he seemed shocked. Before he could say anything, I was like "I'm sorry that was so rude, I've just had a really bad day" He didn't even let me finish. He just backed away from me like I was some crazy lady. Pretty much everyone in the Easter Egg isle was giving me the stink eye and I had officially been classed as a disgusting human being. So I grabbed my eggs (way too many) and left.
I did have a little laugh about it a couple of days later as everyone was comparing me to the chick off the exorcism and apparently instead of saying "f-off" I was now saying in a demon voice "your mother sucks……. in hell" and then scurrying up the easter egg shelf with my head spinning around hissing at people. My husband will probably pass down this story through the next three generations as the time your great great grandmother was possessed by a demon in Target whilst deciding whether to go Cadbury or Lindt…..
Last night when I should have been sleeping but was thinking of random stupid things, like did you know that Jesus said backwards sounds like sausage… (you can thank me later for that gem) I decided that I want to give myself a 2 month challenge of being a strict hardcore mofo on this sugar thing. I need to stop drinking my sugar free soft drinks and I need to stop choosing my fructose free sweets over a normal meal. I am going to take some before and after photos. Especially with my 3 week binge bloat making me look like I am pregnant to a six pack of canadian club. Not to mention it also looks like a small village of pimples is taking residence on my face. Ive gone from clear skin to awkward teenager in 3 weeks. Seriously I'm 33 years old and I squeezed a zit on my chin today… winning at life totally.
With that beautiful image in your head I am off to go shopping with the 2 year old (yes I love punishing myself).
Heres to a beautiful weekend.