In my defence I blame all of those years of binge drinking, it conditioned my mind to forget about the consequences. Whats the worst that could happen from doing 4 tequila shots out of test tubes in a row (vomiting and walking through a glass door for the record). What's the worst that can happen by mixing milky cocktails and Sambucca ( vomit that will haunt your dreams) What's the worst that can happen by competing in a drinking competition with a male 3 times your body weight (hangover for dayzzzz, thats what).
Every single Monday I would swear I would never touch another drop of alcohol again, yet every Friday there I was ready to get drunk and do it all over again. Although as I got older, wiser and realised that taking a baby out clubbing, really wasn't in this season, I turned to other bad choices.. Like eating a jar of nutella and a block of chocolate and attempting to drain a can of whipped cream in my mouth… I knew I was going to regret it, but I still did it anyway. Belly aches were a problem, but the scales were even crueller, yet I continued to do it knowing I was going to be having a little pity party for myself in the following 24 hours. Thats being a human for you… instant gratitude every time!
So what did I do, that I should have known better?
I decided to buy myself a small block of that sugar free chocolate. The same chocolate with the main ingredient I have warned others of buying in the past. The ingredient that I write of is Maltitol.. it is an ingredient that your body can't break down and acts as a super laxative.
I knew this when I bought the chocolate, but I was having a really shitty day (about to get even shittier…) and I hadn't eaten at all yet and it was nearly 2pm. I was waiting at the checkout with my sticky tape and I saw that bastard chocolate sitting there staring at me, beckoning me to take it home and enjoy it. I decided that I needed it in my life but being the mature woman I am, would only have a couple of pieces. As I was driving home, a friend called me that I had not spoken to in ages (and yes I was on hands free for the record). She had some really juicy gossip to fill me in on and in the moment of waiting in traffic, talking to my friend and enjoying my chocolate, I got completely lost in the moment and ate the whole block. I only realised I had done this when I reached down and tried to get another piece, only to realise there was none left…It wasn't until I ended my phone conversation, that the reality of the situation started to sink in. The reality that in 3.5 hours I was meant to be on a field playing oztag, that in 3.5 hours I was going to be running around that field in lycra bike pants and that in 3.5 hours I was probably going to need a nappy…
I picked up my son from school and could feel my insides starting to gurgle as if they were a cauldron full of devil tears. Within 5 minutes of my son getting in the car, my first fluff escaped. I blamed the 1 year old instantly. I told the 7 year old that we needed to stop for gas ( well that was a half truth, there was plenty of gas involved) and jumped out of the car and let one rip. I then jumped back in the car and made up some excuse about forgetting my wallet and headed for the safety of my own house and toilet… the rest you don't need to know of. Maybe there were unicorns, maybe there were pots of gold or maybe I missed out on playing oztag that night in fear of doing a shart…
One thing I do know, is that I will NEVER buy that sugar free chocolate crap again. It didn't even taste nice to start with, so the gratification versus the hell of a thousand satans being expelled from your body, just does not add up.
In other slightly less gross news, I am so sick of finding so many wonderful recipes that are made with dates and dried fruits instead of traditional sugars. Obviously dates and dried fruits are full of fructose, but I found some information on what I can use instead. Quite simply, most times you can replace the dates or dried fruits that are used for binding by adding Rice Malt Syrup and coconut oil or butter. The rule of thumb would be to leave out the dates etc and halve the amount of the fruit for Rice Malt Syrup (tablespoons) and then add a tablespoon of coconut oil or butter.
Eg 3 dates = 1.5 tbspns RMS and 1 tbspn of coconut oil or butter. I am about to try this theory out on the following recipe:
Raw Choc Chip Cookie Dough Bliss Balls
150g almond meal
1/4 tsp sea salt
1.5 tablespoon of RMS
1/4 tsp bicarbonate soda
1/2 tsp vanilla powder
2 Tbspns butter
1 tbspn coconut oil
30 gm broken dark choc chips
Blitz all ingredients until they form a crumbly base
Break up dark choc chips and stir through the mixture
Roll into Balls.
I don't know if this will work out, but I guess we will soon find out. This week our meal plans have consisted of a vegetarian tomato pasta dish and a chicken and cashew stir fry. The Vegetarian pasta dish was quite nice as a cold left over the following day but I really didn't enjoy it as a dinner. The chicken and cashew stir fry was good, but i'm getting a bit over coconut milk. Both of these meals were greeted with disgust by the kids and they both settled on peanut butter on toast. The husband loved both of them and took the chicken out of his stir fry so it met his vegetarian requirements. We ended up having leftovers for dinner the following night and last night we went and had fish and chips down by the riverbank. I am pretty sure I ingested half a litre of oil because those chips were foul.
Tonight I am making a chicken enchilada casserole for the kids and I and for the husband, I will replace the chicken with some loser beans of some type…
I have 2 hours now before I have to pick up the 7 year old from school and then do the afternoon sports run and play sport myself later tonight. That leaves me 2 hours to cook dinner,stalk people on Facebook and hopefully make those yummy Raw Choc Chip Cookie Dough Bliss Balls.
Happy Monday Y'all