At first I was very sneaky about it. I would binge in the car or when I was at home and no one was around.
I never indulged with friends or family or in public, because I literally knew the moment someone saw me eating sugar they would say “Didn’t you quit sugar” and I would have to put them in a sleeper hold until they were unconscious and that becomes tiring work.
I found myself constantly explaining myself to people about my weight gain and I was always the one initiating the conversations.
“So Jess, did you end up getting that equipment organised?”
“Feel so fat today, i think Ive put on like 4kg this month”
“ummm, yeh ok..
The husband made at least 3 comments in the last month about my weight gain and diet and they all ended with me hating his guts and basically telling him that someone who is as skinny as a greyhound and has never even been chubby in his whole entire life, does not get to have an opinion on my weight. He doesn’t know the struggles, so shove it!
Of course he would then launch into the science of calories in and calories out and why do I always do this to myself? He couldn't understand why I work so hard to reach my goal weight but struggle to maintain it.
Yeh I get that, but I don’t need you telling me that.
I HATE anybody but myself having an opinion on my weight. Does he not think that it eats me up inside and that i’m not already giving myself the same lectures and asking myself the same questions.
I remember once pre kids when we went on a romantic weekend away. Spa, ocean views all very la-de-dah. I was so excited and insisted we go buy some nibbles and get this party started.
We went to the shops and I decided to add a block of chocolate to our basket and my husband says “Do you really need that?” Now to me, that is basically saying “hey fatty stop now”.
Of course I wasn’t going to get it now and of course I was going to be bloody furious at him for the next 6 hours.
I argued that by saying “do you really need that” he made me feel guilty and judged and he argued that I had recently been complaining that I wanted to lose a couple of kg so he thought he was helping.
NOTE TO MALES
It ain’t helping.
We joke about this argument 10 years later, but it literally ruined our first day of our weekend.
Emotions are a real son of a b*tch. I am naturally a very happy and free spirited person. I love to laugh and joke and don’t let the little things get me down.
However when I am feeling sad or down, everybody notices because apparently I have to be making jokes every 5 minutes and I have to be laughing and running around with the kids and I have to be the one keeping it all together for the family.
The last month, I just had that empty belly sadness. I was sad about my Nan, I was sad about a few personal issues and I was sad that I could no longer fit into any of my clothes in my cupboard. I was back to leggings, long singlets with a shirt over the top.
I hated that I had three chins and no matter how I angled my head they were always there.
Nutella helped a little bit and so did chocolate and lollies, but only in that moment. Then I had the merry go round of “Why the hell did you eat that?” until I got to the point of “Well Ive ruined it completely, so why bother any more”.
The thing that got me out of this rut was setting a goal and deciding enough was enough. I knew that I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. I needed someone to make me accountable for my actions and thats why I signed up for a 12 week bootcamp challenge. I knew that my trainers would not put up with any excuses and going through the ups and downs with a group would be easier then doing it myself. Also its acceptable for my trainer to tell me to pull my head in diet wise over the man I love (go figure).
I am not going to lie and say that after a week I feel amazing! I am currently detoxing off sugar again and have headaches and no energy. I am tired from getting up early to exercise and up to kids through the night. BUT I knew this was not going to be easy, only worth it.
For someone who has struggled with their weight their whole life this is just another chapter in the story “Jess Fails with her diet again”.
Being accountable via blog is really hard. People who know me in real life, also read this and I know they have been thinking “sugar free my arse”. Hence why I held back from updating this blog over the last month and a bit.
I spoke to my husband last night explaining to him what a sh*t day I had. Seriously it was sh*t. Here is a mini recap:
Got up early for bootcamp
Got home and fought with the 8 year old over getting dressed to go grocery shopping, as apparently getting out of your pyjamas is an issue
Went shopping and the 2 year old had an epic meltdown over a Kinder Surprise Chocolate egg. Literally screamed for 30min. When I got to the checkout the checkout chick said to the 2 year old “oh that was you giving everyone a headache”. The 2 year old looked at her and then yelled “no” in her face and started crying louder.
She only stopped crying when I gave her some food out of the trolley but then cried after realising that said food was not chocolate egg.
Got home and put all the grocery bags down to get ready to put away, only to trip on one bag and crush a loaf of bread and a punnet of strawberries and hurt my wrist.
Locked up the house, put on a movie and told the kids I was going to have a nap.
Yeh right, just lay down to sleep and the neighbours kid knocks not the door. All good he can come and watch a movie.. Nek minute he is coming into my room every 2 minutes to dob on my son not sharing something
Fought urge to not scream and punch a wall
Got out of bed and cleaned out the car
Locked my keys in the car
Started cooking tea. Dog walked in and stood next to me and no joke spewed on my feet.
Served kids dinner but 2 year old wanted a packet of chips.
Put kids in the bath and they decided to fight with each other over things like “thats my water” “stop touching my part of the bath”
Tears, screaming (and that was just me)
Put 2 year old to bed
Lectured 8 year old
Went out to feed the animals. Flicked the dog food meat blood up into my face when opening the bag
Wanted to spew
No need for me to spew because the dog decided to spew AGAIN on my arm as I crouched down filling up its bowl.
Realised the dog was spewing because the kids had left a bag of lollies from a party outside and it had consumed them all.
Came inside wrote a blog entry and complained to the husband.
Peace at last.
After I stopped to take a breath and try and think of all the things I should be grateful for in my day. I realised holy mother of dog spew, I ate healthy all day. I also didn’t kill anyone and isn’t dog spew the latest skin cleanser that all celebs are using?? (no)
The truth is that I need to stop making excuses for my diet because the truth is, I could find something sh*t in every day that could give me an emotional binge but I am better than that.
Heres to a new week!!
Today I cook and prepare myself mentally for the week. A sleep in would have been nice but the 2 year old decided that my sleep in could get stuffed.