This was the first year she has been excited about her upcoming birthday becasue she is old enough to understand what presents are. Every day for the last month and a half, she would declare that it was her birthday “tomorrow”. This made the 8 year old see red because no it wasn’t her birthday tomorrow and how dare such blasphemy come out of her mouth.
Because she was so excited about it being her birthday, we kept asking her what presents she would like this year and her response was “ALL THE PRESENTS”.
Honestly, I like her style, why be specific when you want everything.
Her requests for her birthday were quite simple.
1 - Get ALL the presents
2 - Have chocolate cake for breakfast
3 - Have chocolate cake for lunch
4 - Have lemonade for tea
As you can see she is the epitome of a fructose free lifestyle. Poster girl for all the 3 year olds out there who fight the system.
DAM THE MAN, EAT THE SUGAR.
I decided that the only request that was going to ever happen was chocolate cake but obviously using dextrose instead of sugar.
This recipe to be exact
3 YEAR OLD APPROVED CHOC CAKE
150g softened unsalted butter
1 cup dextrose
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
½ cup frozen raspberries (optional)
1 ¼ cups self-raising flour, sifted
½ cup cocoa powder, sifted
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 cup (250ml) milk
1 Preheat oven to 180 (160C fan forced), grease and double line cake tin (that’s 2 layers of baking paper)
2 Defrost raspberries and using a fork mash into a pulp
3 Beat butter and dextrose with electric beaters until the mixture is light and creamy
4 Add eggs one at a time beating slowly after each addition to combine
5 Add vanilla essence and raspberry pulp and beat until combined
6 To the butter mixture fold in half of the sifted flour combined with the bicarbonate of soda and cocoa powder with half the milk then repeat with the second half of the flour mix and milk.
7 Stir until the mixture is just combined (don’t over mix!)
8 Pour into the prepared tin and smooth top
9 Bake for 45 minutes and test with a skewer.
10 If the skewer comes out clean, remove from the oven and allow to cool in the tin for 10 minutes then turn our onto wire rack to completely cool
This is our go to chocolate cake recipe and we used to make it every couple of day. It was a lunchbox staple. Ok, lets be honest as to why I dont make it anymore. The truth was, that this big mum could and did devour a whole bloody chocolate cake to herself not once but maybe three times (but hey who is counting)
After finally getting the two year old to be a bit more specific with her presents, she declared that she would like a wishing well for her birthday (thanks Peppa Pig for that stupid idea). “ALL the presents” turned into 8 presents and we were ready to celebrate the birthday of our little demon. Finally she could say it was her birthday tomorrow without the 8 year old being all up in her grill for not getting her dates correct.
The best part of the 3 year olds birthday was watching her opening up her presents. The 3 year old opening her presents is best described as a mixture of a hyena ripping into a zebra carcas before the lions come back, mixed with someone really really drunk trying to get into their kebab on a night out on the pi$$. It was quite scary actually but hilarious to watch.
After opening her presents we asked her what she would like for her special birthday breakfast with the usual options being listed, so obviously cake was not one of them.
Yep, true to form she demanded chocolate cake and true to the ultimate best mum I am, I had one already premade in the fridge. She was in birthday heaven. Her face was one of pure bliss and chocolate crumbs smeared up to her eyebrows. Eating does not define what she did to that slice of cake, inhaling is a better description.
After playing with ALL the presents at pretty much the same time because apparently you can have a tea party, whilst playing basketball and nursing your baby doll and building blocks at the same time, we decided to take her to her first movie experience.
Im pretty sure if you asked her to tell you what her favourite part of the Trolls movie was, she would answer the popcorn. She actually devoured a whole box to herself, which for the record she was meant to be sharing with me but I backed off once she snarled at me in the darkness. There was a lot of dancing in the isles and then serious eating. We asked her if she would like to go to the movies again on the holidays, to which she replied “I love popcorn”.
When we got home I thought the popcorn would have done her over until dinner time but no she was wanting more birthday cake.
Now Im the type of person that absolutely loves the sh*t out of birthdays. I have been known to have birthday weeks for myself and once I even had a birthday month. So to me birthdays have to be special and what says special, like chocolate cake, not only for breakfast but for lunch. Little did I know that she would be demanding breakfast and lunch cake for the next week and I would have to battle her to the death to get her to eat her bloody sandwiches, but at the time I thought pfft you are only 3 once, so why not.
We went to her favourite pub for dinner, you know the one with the keno and $3 pints of rum. Yeh, there is that kids playground but we all know the 3 year old doesnt go for that.
She had her traditional nuggets and chips and when I ordered, the lady asked if we wanted a side of tomato sauce. I told her no. She then told me that it was free. Again I said no and she asked why my kids don’t eat tomato sauce. I stupidly said they don’t because of the sugar. Well didn’t I get the eye roll to absolutely take the title of eye roll of the year. My mind was dropping big “F bombs” but I just smiled and said “yeh, its crazy trying to reduce your kids sugar intake hey”.
We finished the night with a family ice-cream cake and this one was full of all things sugar. This cake was for everyone else not for us. The 8 year old didnt want any and the 3 year old took out a malteser but didn’t eat it. I’m not going to lie, I did have a taste but it was so bloody sweet, it cured any sweet cravings I had after one spoonful.
So there you go, I no longer get to type about my demon 2 year old. Its now my turd of a three year old.