I'm not sure what it is with my brain but I find it so hard to look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge anything but flaws. I know that I am not alone in this. One of my friends who resembles a "hot stick insect" because she is so bloody thin, is always going on about how fat she feels. Which always leads me to say "well if you are considered fat, then I must be in the realm of people who needed to be lifted out of their house with a crane". To which she will always reply "no, I just feel fat for me."
Is there any women on this planet that can look in the mirror and go "dam I am so hot" or "wow, loving my legs at the moment.. without then saying "but my stomach is so flabby" or "my arms are resembling my 90 year old grandmother".
My whole life I have struggled with my weight. Ok not my whole life. I was fine with it when I was a baby, because fat rolls were so in that season and I also managed to get through Primary School without giving a crap about my image. It wasn't until I got to High School and got taken away from my close group of friends, that I all of a sudden realised that I was chubby, but I still didn't really care. I played a lot of sport and had friends but I still felt like I wasn't how I should be. By grade 11 I had taken up cross country running and the weight was melting off me. In grade 12 I pushed myself even harder with my running and started eating less and still felt like I needed to be thinner. I remember a guy at school trying to be an asshole and said " you look like an anorexic" and instead of me being offended I was like "oh thanks" and took it as a compliment. PATHETIC.
At uni I drank and partied a lot and my weight fluctuated from thin to chin rolls. I was happy and loving life and didn't care too much. I was always on some diet, always jogging every afternoon. Starving myself during the week and then partying and binging on the weekends.
When I fell pregnant with the 7 year old I weighed 60kg. I remember weighing myself a few days before I found out I was pregnant and thinking "i need to lose 1 more kg and then I will be in the "50's". The day I had the 7 year old I had an apt with my obstetrician and he weighed me. I weighed in at 102kg. I had put on 42kgs!! You would think I had 10 babies in there. All of this because I knew I was going to get "big" so I thought I would just eat whatever I wanted. For the first time in my life, my mindset of having to be on a "Diet" was thrown out the window and I could eat whatever I wanted and that I bloody did.
It took a lot of hard work to lose that weight and I only got down to 63kg. I don't think I have ever been lower than that since then.
To lose that baby weight I did Jenny Craig for some of it, then weight watchers, then soup diet, then Atkins, then Duromine, and then joined a bootcamp group and exercised my absolute ring off whilst eating limited calories. It took 9 months but I finally got there.
When I got pregnant with the 2 year old five years later, I only put on 16kg and it was even harder to lose because I had two kids to look after and couldn't get out to exercise as much. We didn't have the money to do Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers, so it was all down to me eating little and my willpower was not in it. I was lucky that my mum could see me getting into a depressed state and she offered to take the kid so I could go to bootcamp. I lost my baby weight and I worked hard, looked fit and felt great but I was still always starving and hungry and it was willpower verses weightloss.
It doesn't help that my husband has the body weight of a greyhound and could eat 10kg of food and not put on a single kg and I just look in the direction of food and seem to absorb the calories. My husband has never had to worry about his weight and he could never understand why I was struggling with it. This led to many times of me wanting to fly kick him into a wall when he would say stuff like "are you sure you should be eating that" after I had just had the same battle with myself in my mind but decided that I would.
I remember once we went away on a romantic weekend and I had just complained to him how I felt gross, but that I would be really strict on myself when we got back home from our trip. We went down to the store to get some food and I picked up a chocolate and my husband looked at me and went " thats the reason why you have to be strict on yourself, should you even get it?"
I was furious at him and we had a huge fight over it, because I was really upset that he would say that to me. He couldn't see anything wrong in his words, so wouldn't apologise and I thought he was basically calling me fat. I tried to explain to him that I have enough demons in my own head to argue and battle with, without him being one of them. He still insisted he was trying to help and I kept telling him that all he managed to do was make me feel incredibly guilty and down on myself.
He told me to buy the chocolate and forget he said anything, but there was no way in hell I was going to be buying any chocolate now, even if it came with five thousand dollars cash. He thought that was being immature and I couldn't understand why he thought I would buy something, that he pretty much told me not to because of my weight.
I gave him the silent treatment and sulked in our 5 star resort room for a good 6 hours. I was really upset about it and my husband was really upset at me for being a d*ck. He learnt a very valuable lesson that weekend and that was his opinion is not needed in anything regarding my diet. I can bag the shit out of myself for eating crap and give myself a mental uppercut but NO ONE else has the right to comment. Especially someone who's problem lies in gaining weight not losing it.
When I jumped onboard the fructose/sugar free thing, I really thought it was going to be just like every other diet I had tried. Taking away my favourite foods and making me lose weight by being hungry all the time.
I was so surprised when instead of feeling hungry, I felt content. Instead of obsessing over how amazing a nutella covered donut would be, I couldn't have given a rats behind.
The feeling didnt come straight away. It was a bit of a hard slog to get to that point. Detox was a b*tch, but I knew it would be. I found the hardest thing thus far, is convincing other people that its okay if I don't have that piece of chocolate cake because really I am fine. I'm not sitting there wishing for a tiny slice or hating on all those people eating it. I'm actually happy just chilling, not needing it.
Today I've had one of those days where I feel fat. I had a splurge over Christmas and New Years and I feel yucky. I don't feel like I'm meant to be. When I was jogging at training yesterday I felt a few jiggles in places I haven't jiggled in a while and it made me feel like crap. I am quick to forget how far I have come and quick to forget that I can get back to where I want to be with a little less dextrose laden treats and a bit more commitment to exercise.
I think I'm really struggling with no routine being on school holidays, although I know that next week when I return to work, I will be kicking myself for even wanting this routine of stress, work and time away from the kids.
I know that everyone out there has days like today and putting it into perspective, if the worst thing in my life is my muffin top and jiggling belly, then I am a pretty lucky bloody person.
I have so many blessings to count and appreciate and here I am looking at my belly in the mirror. I know I can be better than this.
These bloody weight demons. At least I know that by eliminating fructose I am on the right path to becoming the best version of myself I can be and that I can be thankful for.
Sorry for such a serious post but I always promised myself I would keep this blog as a true reflection of this journey. No " oh my life is so perfect.. look at how successful I am at quitting fructose…. this is the easiest thing I have ever done… kinda bullcrap.
Happy Wednesday and Happy Birthday to my gorgeous sister in law!!!