So I decided that I wanted to update the photos on my Facebook page. To me, it just seemed wrong that I had my profile picture showcasing how much weight I had lost, when it was over four years ago. I wish my belly looked like that currently, so it seemed a little deceiving promoting myself as this.
I had this idea that I should do a photo collage of my weight loss journey with real pics of me on my journey over the last year ( not me in my undies weight loss pics) Easy one would think? But apparently I’m a vain piece of work..
I couldn’t find any fat photos of me on my phone? Why would that be? There should be thousands? Oh that’s right.... Now I remember.... That would be because I consider myself the "fat photo natzi" and eliminate any three chinned, unflattering muffin top photos instantly.
Instead, all I could find were a shit load of head tilted selfies. You know the ones which come about from trying to work an angle to disguise the family of chins living on your face. Then there were the children as props photos. You know the ones where you strategically place a child in front of your belly. “But mum, I want to stand next to the pony for the photo! NO GOD DAMMIT!!!! GET IN FRONT OF MY BELLY!”
It makes me sad to think that I am so judgemental and harsh on myself. Not to mention being so egotistical that I would be focusing NOT on the moment of WHY I was taking the photo but putting all the emphasis on how I looked in the photo. I mean it’s not like anyone but me would even see these bloody photos on my phone, yet here I was acting like I was the editor of Vogue and that these photos were not making the cut for the latest edition.
The reality ends up being this:
Sorry 10 Year old, there are no photos of us together at your birthday dinner because I decided they must be deleted because I look like I was hiding your birthday cake in my third chin. It’s ok buddy, there are lots of photos of you and everyone else though...
Sorry 5 year old there isn’t any photos of us playing on the beach and how we built that sandcastle for 3 hours because I didn’t like how I looked like the whale in Free Willy 2. You looked cute though! As a matter of fact, I don’t even look like I was on this holiday. According to all the family photos of us there, I don’t exist.
Sorry 1 year old, your photos of us contain a lot of me looking like I have something wrong with my neck. It’s ok though, you see I had to strain it at all angles to make it look less chin-tactic. You will thank me for this in the future. I’m totally sure of it.
I’m absolutely disgusted in myself, reading this back but it is the truth. We are so harsh on ourselves and put so much emphasis into looking a certain way, that it takes away from what is really important in that moment.
Photos are to capture a moment in time and all I was worried about was myself.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some absolute gems of me on my phone that the five year old had taken. I mean, who can say no, when a kid tells you to say “cheese”. There are some hilarious and absolutely horrific photos of myself, but god they make me laugh. Due to her midget height, the angles are terrible ( totally the angles not the subject) and the fact I could be taking a shit when she wants me to pose, means they are random as fark. Yet for some reason those blurry messes are still on my phone over some truely beautiful moments I have deleted.
It’s funny how hard we are on ourselves and how we focus on the negatives straight away. My husband will take a photo of me and say “I love this pic of you” and I will point out ten things I hate about it.
My husband has taken lots of photos of me when I didn't know they were being taken. This happens when one takes them hiding outside the house, laying in the bushes, outside the bathroom window at night... (I kid.... we have no bathroom window). But his photos aren’t staged and no one is ever posing for the camera, so it’s just a moment of happiness in time captured and that’s what’s important.
I hear people say, you need to live in the moment. Stop taking photos on your phone but the moment can be fleeting and the photos can last forever.
My 5 year old will spend literally hours going through photos from over the years on my phone and just loves it. Not once has she ever said to me “ Guuuurl, you need to lose weight, you bringing this photo down dawg” ( in my head she talks like this because my daughter is a sassy, street talking west side gang member... I’m totally sure of it).
I would love to say, the more weight I lose the more I love myself but that would be a lie. I constantly look back at photos and think, wow look how fit I was there and then remember that I thought that version of me was still a big mumma. It’s stupid really.
However there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Me acknowledging this, is me calling myself out on my bullsh#*t. Me being sick of my bullsh#%t.
I want to be the best version of me and I see myself as a work in progress. I have goals and they are no longer about the number on the scales ( mainly because our scales don’t work and I’m too cheap to buy some more).
I’m no longer going to delete the crappy photos of myself! I’m no longer going to give the 10 year old arm cramps by making him take the photo again for the six millionth time because I look too fat in that one. I’m no longer going to tilt my head in photos so I look like my ear is glued to my shoulder. I’m no longer going to strategically place my kids in front of me in photos to hide my mid section.
I will however continue eating sugar free and keto. I will continue exercising and playing sport. I will appreciate the journey and not just be obsessed on the destination. I will be easier on myself, well I will try.
It’s not going to be easy but I hope it will be worth it.
Big love and here are some links to some meals we have had this week
https://www.dietdoctor.com/recipes/keto-caesar-salad (no anchovies)
https://www.dietdoctor.com/recipes/keto-avocado-pie ( left out chilli for kids)